An Oldie...

So I had this boyfriend...it was a quick little relationship, and then it was over.

I may have written about it on here before, not really sure. Regardless, it was probably in all honesty the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. He was very sweet and gentlemanly, gave me the space I needed, never let me pay, and told me how he felt about me. There were things missing from the relationship for sure - we didn't really have that much in common, and we didn't laugh together all that much (which to me is the most important piece of a relationship), but I enjoyed spending time with him.

It ended because I thought he was dating other girls behind my back - I caught him on a dating website and assumed the worst. While I tried to decide how to handle it - this was over the course of a few days - I told him a little white lie about what I'd be doing one night when I thought he was trying to be with this fictional "other woman" and I got caught. We had a huge fight where I brought up the dating website, I kicked him out of my house, and he mailed my belongings to my job.

I have never, in the last almost ten months, felt like he was the "one who got away" or like I should be with him and it was all a misunderstanding, or anything like that, but on more than one occasion I have missed his companionship. When I lost my job in March, I wished that I had had him to talk to, and I even attempted to get in contact with him a couple of times before he reached out to me about two months ago.

He apologized for how he acted, he told me that he felt responsible and that he was wrong about everything, and that he believed I was a genuine person and wanted me to be in his life again. We gradually started speaking every so often through texts and emails, and now we talk on the phone every other day.

Ironically, we have more to talk about now than we did while we were dating, and at the end of the day, he might just need or want someone to talk to. I have been so stressed with school and work lately, that it's nice to have him to talk to at night, or to get a text from him during the day. I can't even say if it's romantic...I don't think that it is because truthfully I never really felt proverbial fireworks with him.

Ten months ago I had a job I loved, an awesome apartment, money to spend, and I was (almost) completely independent. Now I am living with my parents (albeit temporarily), I work part-time at a job I somewhat care about, go to school and feel like I will never have money again. I am turning my car, which I love, back in to the dealer in January, and I will get a hand-me-down shitbox that my younger brothers both had. But it will be free.

So maybe this old boyfriend is what feels like the last piece of my old life. He feels like something that connects me to who I used to be, and what I used to have. I'm not a person who is hung up on material things, but I miss that old life, and I can't wait to get out of this limbo and back into a new life, and maybe he just came back at the perfect time.

He invited me to visit him for New Years Eve...but I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. I still have nine months left of this "project" and I am doing a shitty job so far...

PS I quit eHarmony. Booooooo-ring!

No Chemistry...

I got an email from a really cute guy a few weeks ago - an elementary school teacher who had written a children's book and lived not far from me. I sent him my phone number and we had an average conversation - not particularly funny, or really even fun. Just average.

That being said, we texted and emailed for about a week, usually with him texting me first in the morning and then us continuing to text until around dinnertime, and then he just kind of faded away.

I guess when you don't have chemistry, you just don't.

Ugh...

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Hmmm...

I got an email on Snoozeharmony this weekend from a guy who is currently unemployed and living at home with his parents. Now I don't want to be a judgy judgerson, since I have been in the same boat since March...but I wouldn't email that to anyone in the initial message.

But here's what is really the most strange to me - he divulged that he was fired in May. Fired not laid off. He also said that he spends his days relaxing. Not looking for work, relaxing. Also, he lives at home with his parents because he can't see spending money on rent when it's almost the same as a mortgage. I know a lot of people share those feelings about rent being equivalent to throwing money away. And I am also living at home with my mom and dad while I go to school. But I would live in an apartment, a rented apartment, in a heartbeat if I could swing it without having a full time job. Where is his sense of independence? That's a red flag if I've ever seen one - but I seem to be ignoring them left and right anyway. What's another one?

Oh and did I mention that the second to last sentence of his email, right before "hope to hear from you soon," was "I also used to make fragrances."

What the hell?

Are You Effing Kidding Me?

This project is exhausting me. Literally...exhausting me.

I just don't have the energy to try and figure out what people are thinking or why they do the things they do. And I haven't even been on a fucking date yet!

I love love love the expression, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I guess it's a little bit cynical because it's basically saying that if I am trusting enough to give a second chance, I'm an idiot. It certainly doesn't advocate forgiveness, which I think is a very important thing to be in life, but as I usually only use this expression as it applies to dating, who the fuck cares?

I gave Chincredible - Brian Kelly of West Orange - a second chance. OK scratch that - it was more like a fourth chance. He bailed on me twice because of his "leg injury" and on another occasion insulted me and made me feel like a whore. But when he emailed me two Friday nights ago at 3:30 am to apologize for his behavior, and asked me to please call him, my interest was piqued. I did not call him as he requested, but I did answer when he called me on Saturday night. I had had a few drinks and I was curious as to what he had to say. He apologized profusely for being a douche and said that it was out of character for him, as well as classless. He also told me that he really liked me, thought I was a nice girl, and really hoped he hadn't screwed things up with me. I told him that I had liked him too, and I was willing to try and have a drink or dinner with him, but if he bailed on me or offended me again, that would be it. I would never talk to him again. He said he didn't blame me, and we started to text and email during the week.

He asked me if I wanted to hang out the following Saturday (that would be this past Saturday) and I agreed. He chose a BYO Mexican restaurant and once again on the Friday night before, he told me that he couldn't wait to meet me and that he knew we would hit it off. Next morning, I texted him, asked him if he wanted to go out at 7pm to which he responded "Nah." I then asked if 7pm was too early and he said "Nah." So I asked if he didn't want to go out at all and he said nothing for almost two hours. I texted him again and asked what had changed from the night before and why did he keep doing this and...nothing. So I called him, and he sent me right to voice mail. No clue what happened, what he is thinking, what his game is - and I don't care. He is crazy obviously, and it's better that I found out now. My friends made me promise that I would never talk to him again, no matter what, because who the hell knows what kind of mental issues he has. And they are right - he was messing with me...and that's that.

Now this other guy I wrote about in my last post, who my friend "winked" at when she hijacked my match account because she thought I would like him - I have been texting a little bit with him on and off. He sent me a text two Friday nights ago to ask what I was doing that night and I said I was home bundled in sweats on the couch because I was sick. He replied that he wishes he was doing that also - he is "a great cuddler." I gagged a little bit when I wrote that. Why do guys do that? Why do they send overly familiar text messages and emails when they don't even know you? At that point we had never even spoken on the phone for longer than a second - what the fuck??

I ignored that and kind of blew off his texts for the rest of the week. I did text him back over the weekend (after Brian/Chincredible dissed me for no reason - hey, I was rebounding) and we made plans to go out for dinner tomorrow night. Keep in mind - still haven't spoken on the phone. But the latest development here is that Sunday night he was drinking and watching football all day - he texted me kind of early in the day (I was at an actual game all day, drinking as well) and said that he would call me later that night so we could discuss our date and get a little familiar with each other before meeting. I was all for that because I cannot imagine meeting a guy who I've never spoken to. What if we had nothing in common? We had only emailed once or twice before exchanging numbers and so I really have no read on him.

Well that night, he texted me at about 11pm to tell me that he wanted to call but didn't want me to hear him slurring. I asked how bad it could possibly be and he said that he had been drinking for 8 straight hours so he could only imagine. Then he sent me another text saying "I do start to get a little naughty when I've been drinking." Again - What the fuck? I don't know you, I've never spoken to you, and I met you online. Am I leaping to talk dirty to someone like this without even laying eyes on his face? No. Why not? Because I'm not desperate/outrageously horny/ridiculous. I raised my eyebrows, chalked it up to his drinking, and said that it would probably be better for us to talk the next day in that case. He agreed.

So yesterday was the day we were supposed to talk, and he texted me at around 6 to tell me he'd be home at 930pm. I told him to give me a call when he was settled. He never called. Ooook. So again, I don't want to go out with someone I have never met without at least one phone conversation. So today I called him - and he picked up and hung up! Hung up on me! On me!!

Again - WHAT THE FUCK???

I cannot believe the level of ridiculousness that I am encountering at every turn. Like I said, this is exhausting. I thought that by this point - a month and a half later, give or take a few days, that I would have at least gone on one date. But I can't seem to meet one normal person!

What do I do? Keep plugging away? Throw in the towel? This is why I hate dating - I can't be bothered with what other people are doing/thinking/feeling...and it's all I've been doing!

I need a gaycation.

So Disgusting

So I have to apologize for being absent for more than a week - I started school this week and I have been so busy with homework, work, and trying to sleep in between that I've literally had no time to do anything for myself. I actually think that I am sick now.

I owe everyone an update. Chincredible is officially out of the picture - just as recently as 20 minutes ago. Basically where we left off is that he broke our date to go to Ruth's Chris last Friday and I was just kind of leaving it alone to see what would happen next. He texted me the next morning, full of apologies, and I kind of shrugged it off, chalking it up to him not feeling like himself what with the bum knees and painkillers. I did tell him that I wasn't in a rush to meet up with him but that when we did we should stick to quick drinks - he agreed, but then the next day suggested we go to Panera for lunch on Labor Day. Now I am not a snob, and I don't think I am above Panera (that shit is delicious) but I just think that when someone wants to take you out to dinner and then breaks that date and offers to take you to get a Pick Two instead, something just doesn't compute.

With that in mind, I continued to text with him, and was pleased when he called me at 8am the morning my first day of school this past Tuesday, just to wish me luck. We have spoken on the phone every night for the last week and a half, and I was genuinely excited to meet him...finally! I have to say that it's been strange to talk to someone I have never even laid eyes on but felt like I was really getting to know. I was sharing more than I would with someone I met in person and then started dating, and I was definitely letting my guard down. I even went so far as to tell my friend (who wants me to be in a relationship more than anything) that I was really into him, thought he was awesome, and was annoyed that we hadn't met in the first week we were talking as originally planned. If we had met two weeks ago, when we were supposed to, I would have been much cooler about the whole thing, more distant and aloof, and wouldn't be in the position I am now where I am totally hurt and disappointed.

We made plans to meet up tonight - and unbeknownst to him, this was to be his last shot with me. I don't usually adhere to the "three strikes, you're out" rule, but in a situation like this, where I don't even know this person and he's already disappointing me before we are even dating, I think it's totally called for. I texted him this morning, not uncommon for us to do, to say good morning. I didn't receive a text back right away - which is the norm. I wouldn't usually care, or even really notice, but that's exactly what happened last week - I strangely didn't hear anything from him all day, and then at 4:30 he texted me to bail. So I called him about four hours after I sent this morning's text and left a message asking when he wanted to meet. He texted me two hours later to ask me if he should get a room for us. A hotel room.

I wrote back that I hoped he was kidding but something in the back of my mind told me that he definitely wasn't. I got a text back almost immediately saying "Come on - we can get drunk and fuck around." Now I am not an angel, and I am SO not a prude, but there is no reason that he should have texted me something like that. None at all. The conversation we had last night right before we went to bed was about where we should go and how we were both nervously excited about meeting up. So what changed in less than 24 hours? I engaged in a little bit of texting with him after that, basically telling him that I was disappointed and hurt, that he had made me feel like a total whore, and that I thought that he had thought more of me than that, to which he responded "Who cares, we are adults."

I stared at the text for a minute, and then back at the texts he has been sending me all week, telling me that he thought I was beautiful, that he thought I was the funniest woman he had ever met, and that he couldn't wait to meet me, and I deleted all of it. I deleted all his texts, all his emails, and all his contact information. I deleted him off of facebook, and I decided right then and there that I am not doing this again - it's stupid to let yourself get emotionally involved with someone you meet via an internet dating site. You should feel someone out a bit, screen them a touch to make sure they aren't crazy, and then meet as soon as possible. You'll know if the person is someone you could see yourself spending more time with or dating right away, and you aren't putting yourself at risk to get hurt. The way I was.

And I'm a jerk - I've been ignoring the other guys who have been sending me emails and communication requests and investing the majority of my time into Brian Kelly*, and totally ignoring the whole purpose of this blog. It's to meet as many people as possible. I've been sending half hearted emails, texts and haven't been returning phone calls - all because I was into this idiot. But with every endeavor, you'll have a stumble or two at the beginning, and this was mine.

I actually have plans today to call this guy from Match who one of my friends communicated with before I even saw him - by hijacking my account. She called me and told me about him and said that he seemed like someone I would like. (Is it bad that when we talked over Instant Messenger and he asked what had made me wink at him, I told him that it was my friend and not me? He seemed OK with it but who the hell knows?) I don't have a nickname for him yet - but I promise I will.

*Yep, that's his name. Chincredible = Brian Kelly. From West Orange. I made a commitment to myself when I started this that I would change names to protect the innocent and not change names to expose the douchebags - and I think we can all agree that Brian Kelly has exposed himself. Although probably not the way he wanted to. :)

When A Man You've Never Met Breaks Plans Twice, You Say "NEXT"

OK so my big date at Ruth's Chris tonight is not happening. I actually expected this - because I always expect the worst case scenario.

Since last week, Chincredible has either texted or emailed me at some point during the day, every day, and usually we will talk on the phone at some point after he gets out of work at 3pm. We are usually just bullshitting, or if we speak on the phone he regales me with some stories from when he worked in a jail (did I ever mention that he used to be a cop?). He really seems like a nice normal funny guy - if a little bit affected by the area we live in.

Now, I don't know if I mentioned this either, but he is currently on crutches due to a knee injury he gave himself while on a mini-vacation with friends and needs to have surgery in the next couple of weeks. So we were supposed to go out this past Saturday night, but he texted me in the morning to tell me that his leg was really bothering him and that he wanted to take me out another night. I was fine with it because it was really shitty out - rainy and humid, and I have curly hair that takes an hour to blow out, and then about two seconds to get frizzy in wet weather. Plus no one wants to get all dressed up when it's gross like that. So we agreed that we would do something this weekend - and that something turned out to be Ruth's Chris. So the reservations were for 7:15 tonight, and yesterday he told me more than once that he couldn't wait to meet me in person, that he really felt like we were going to connect, and even went so far as to tell me that he looked at my pictures online again and thought I was "just so pretty - great facial features." Totally weird but a little flattering.

So imagine my surprise when I didn't hear a single thing from him all day today - it's not that I expect guys to check in with me - I actually don't like it, but when it's kind of become the norm, you notice when it's different. Am I right? I texted him at around 3, checking to see if his knee was feeling OK for tonight, and about an hour and a half later I got a text back asking if I'd be very angry with him if we rescheduled, because he was in a lot of pain and would not make a good first impression. He TEXTED. Not called. I hate that, and I hate even more that he broke plans with me twice, the day of. I think I am an understanding person, but jesus. Twice in the same week? For the same thing?

I am leaving it alone for now - I am not going to text him or call him. I'll let him make new plans if he wants to. But I'm not angry - I like situations like this because it lets you see how a person really is. A guy who texts to break plans? That's kind of lame. And also, I know that he is very drugged up on sleeping and pain meds this week - to the point where he won't remember a phone conversation we had the next day. Granted, he has a pretty serious injury, but he is able to function and go to work every day...does he need all the medicine? And lastly, who knows if he maybe has some kind of social anxiety that makes it hard for him to meet girls - and maybe he asked me to go out to an expensive restaurant with no plans of following through! Maybe he thought I'd be impressed if he "was going to" take me to Ruth's Chris, and then figured if he cancelled, it would be the thought that counts (he figured wrong).

Regardless I am focusing on some new guys - one a friend picked out for me (I totally gave her my match log in information and let her go to town) who emailed me yesterday, and another one who I checked out more than a few times before "winking" at him. He finally winked back, so I shot him an email and I guess we will see what happens!

Seriously - fucking internet dating.

And can I just say that eHarmony is a total snooze??

Ay Papi!

If you know me, you probably know that I am 50% Latina. I talk about this quite a bit, and admittedly it's semi-obnoxious. I do enjoy my Hispanic roots, and I feel the most connected to them, probably because they dominate my physical appearance. This isn't to say that I am not proud of my paternal European heritage - I just don't feel like I am as related to all the "white people" on that side of my family. Totally ridiculous, totally true.

But while I am deeply passionate about my family and the Hispanic culture, I cannot stand Latin men - in a dating capacity, anyway. I am aware that this is racism in a somewhat strange form, but nevertheless - it is what it is. I am not sure why I dislike dating men of my race so much, but I suspect that it has something to do with the way I grew up.

My mother is a beautiful - I mean truly stunning - 55 year old woman who is 100% Hispanic but also very "white" - she looks like she could be Italian or some other European race, she has no accent despite speaking fluent Spanish since she was a baby, and she likes "white" things like Suze Orman and Pilates. She was born and raised in Spanish Harlem, without much of anything, and she married my dad, a Hungarian/Italian/Austrian guy from Queens. When they were dating, they would walk down the street and be subjected to Latin men yelling at them, asking what she was doing with the "gringo," and since she was so gorgeous (even more so at 20 than now), they said nasty things to my dad. After they were married and living in the suburbs, visiting my grandmother in the old neighborhood was fun for me, but not so much for my mom. She was scared about parking the car on the street, nervous while climbing the four dimly lit flights of stairs to my grandma's apartment, and she kept her head down as she passed the derelicts who sat slumped in doorways, waiting for her to walk by so that they could leer at her or shout filthy things in slurred Spanish. I remember her grip on my hand growing tighter as she would sharply tell me to look down and not make eye contact with them. I don't know for sure that this is why I have an aversion to Hispanic men, but it's the only explanation I can come up with, especially considering that I grew up in a very liberal and open-minded household.

So what is the point of this poor attempt at self-analysis? I got an email on match from a guy whose handle included both "big" and "papi" - and he essentially personifies exactly what I mean when I say I am not into Hispanic men. He looks kind of thuggish, right down to the chin strap facial hair, and that's just not my scene. But maybe I should give a Hispanic guy a try - I mean, how bad could it be? I bet his mom cooks a mean arroz con pollo, and he might be a good dancer - a quality that is usually sadly missing from the white guys I prefer to spend time with.

Should I just go for it??

When a Guy Wants to Take You to Ruth's Chris, You Say YES!

***The suitor formerly known as "Pro Arm Wrestler" will now be referred to as "Chincredible" for both his physical resemblance to the dad from the movie "The Incredibles" and his insane Irish chin.

Internet dates are a funny thing. You meet someone via the computer, and for however long you are emailing, texting, and speaking on the telephone only. Then the date comes and you are first sizing up each other physically (obviously) - and if that's all cool, you are then seeing if there is chemistry between you. Usually the date is a few drinks, which is both casual and confidence-building, and then when it ends, you decide whether or not you want to keep in contact with this person. Now I have been on a couple different kinds of match dates - there is the match date where there is NO chemistry whatsoever and it's a wash. There's the one where one person likes the other more - always fun. There's the one where there is far too much chemistry, too much booze, and not enough space in between your bodies - always always a mistake! And then there is the nice date where you both walk away thinking that you'd like to see each other again.

But never ever have I been on a match date where we have planned in advance to get dinner and drinks at Ruth's Chris, and to be frank, I am fine with that for a number of reasons. First of all, I like getting dressed up but on a first date I don't want to put in so much effort that I look ridiculously "done." I like wearing heels, and I like wearing dresses and skirts, but on a first BLIND date, I want to be casual and comfortable - jeans, low heels or flats, a casual sexy top, light makeup. Secondly, what if the date is a total bomb?? I will be stuck on this long-ass, fancyish formalish dinner with a dude I don't like. Finally, there is the belief that if a guy is shelling out big bucks for dinner and wine, that he is going to expect some tongue. I don't mind kissing on the first date, but I don't want to feel like the expectation, or worse - obligation, is there.

Chincredible asked me to go to Ruth's Chris this Friday night and I seriously debated about it. I reached out to a close girlfriend about his offer and she basically told me that I was an idiot to feel the way I do and that "when a guy wants to take you to Ruth's Chris, you say YES!" So I took her advice and it is on. I am excited, because I do feel myself starting to like this guy (don't get ahead of yourselves - while he is hilarious and sweet, he has some douche-y tendencies) but I am guarded as always. I can't be wooed with filet mignon and pinot noir.

Details to follow......

I'm a Gemini - We're Supposed to Multitask!

So I took a night to think about the multitasking (and also about the anonymous reader who suggested that I communicate with no less than 4 but no more than 7 guys at once - 7!!) and feel a bit more prepared to really dive in. I got onto eharmony and sent my 2nd and final round of questions to the guy who was pleasant but kind of blah - it's the last step before we start emailing on our own - like big boys and girls! I also sent emails to two seemingly normal and interesting guys who "winked" at me on match and said "No Thanks" (what a convenient little button!) to three guys who 1) were outside of my chosen age range by 8 years, 2) were outside of my dating range by 25 miles, and 3) had a bunch of pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend (it was obvious it wasn't his sister, before you suggest it). If my ex-boyfriend included a bunch of photos of me on his dating profile, I'd probably give him a swift kick in the babymaker.

So if all of these people write back to me, and if Grammar Guy stops sucking, I will be communicating with 5 guys at once. I think that's a little more like what I am supposed to be doing here. But I have to say, I'm getting a little bit stressed out. What if...just what if...I hit it off with someone and I am totally swept off my feet? What would I do? Would I tell the other guys to hit the road? Would I tell the man of my current dreams that we met because I was doing an "experiment?" Would I hide my match profile while we were dating, and therefore automatically lose the chance to get the extra 6 months free, or would I keep dating other people to maintain the integrity of this blog, and be dangerously close to wandering into "cheating" territory? Yes, I know I am getting ahead of myself, but I have to think about these things so I can have a plan of action should the time come. Any suggestions?

In other news, I finally did tell Pro Arm Wrestler that I was uncomfortable with his affection for affectionate nicknames, and he was totally cool with it. He even said that it's made him uncomfortable when women do it to him - so that's a relief. If I got one more text with "sweetie" or "sexy" in it, when he really has no idea if I'm sweet (kind of) or sexy (um, obviously), I was going to scream, and the non-stop cringing was starting to give me wrinkles. He asked me to have drinks this coming Sunday night, but unfortunately I have to work. It's a bummer too - Sundays are the best nights for blind dates. Since most people have to work the next day, no one gets hammered schmammered, and in turn the chances of a drunken first date hookup which will then ruin any chance of a real relationship forming are exponentially slimmer than if you went out on a Friday, Saturday, or even a Thursday. On the flip side, if your date does get hammered schmammered despite having to work the next day and tries to have sex to you, then congratulations, friend - you've just weeded out a loser.

Updates on the new guys to come as soon as I have something to share!

Grammar Guy is Kind of Boring

I feel mean saying this, but Grammar Guy is kind of boring. One of my girlfriends said "Well, he likes proper grammar..." but I also like proper grammar, and I don't think that I'm boring. OK so maybe I don't like it like it, but I am definitely into it.

I have given him a couple of opportunities to talk - we IMed for a little while on Monday, and it was certainly pleasant, but I don't know that there was really a connection. I mean, granted, not everyone can "connect" while speaking via an electronic medium, but I was expecting at least a little bit of "same brain" to happen. It didn't. Then yesterday I shot him another IM. What a damn drag. It was the most boring conversation, and we didn't even say goodbye to each other. Where is the witty guy who sent me a charming email this past Sunday? I'd love to know what the eff happened to the Original Grammar Guy because I liked him.

So I am going to give it a few more tries - I think the funny guy has to be in there, and I want to make it my mission to pull him out of there. I feel like I've been giving an awful lot of attention to the Pro Arm Wrestler (who may need a new nickname because we haven't really spoken about it at all), and that's probably just because he's easy to talk to and we have a lot in common. This project is about expanding my horizons, about breaking my past cycles of dating the same guys over and over, and here I am back in the same pattern. I need to be fair to the multiples.

Truth be told, I've kind of been neglecting other people who have been emailing me and sending winks - I don't think I'm all that good at multitasking, but I said I would at least respond to everyone. I need to get refocused, and not be scared to communicate with more than just one or two people at once. I can do this.

Fakers and Frauds

I have received two communications, in the last two days, from guys who clearly cut out their "profile pictures" from some catalog. Some of the pictures were black and white, some were color, sometimes the guys were shirtless, sometimes they were wearing a flannel shirt, and all had chiseled jawlines and perfect teeth.

I can only imagine that someone who felt that no woman would want to talk to them based on their real profile picture and so posted one of a nameless male model, must either be incredibly insecure about their appearance, or they are frighteningly unattractive. I can't even begin to think about how incredibly awkward it would be to start up a communication with one of these dudes, thinking they looked like a gorgeous handsome man, and then when you finally meet and someone who looks completely different (in a bad way) shows up. What the hell do you say?

I am adding a new rule that I don't have to go out with anyone who is obviously a fraud. And if you don't like it, then you can go out with the pseudo-Abercrombie man.

Same Brain and Pet Names

One of the most fun parts of the initial stages of dating is when you are learning about each other and discovering what you have in common - I call this "Same Brain." You realize that you both love horror movies, key lime pie, roller coasters, agree that Alanis Morissette is the most annoying 90s icon, and can't believe that you met someone with the "same brain" as you. However, while it's fun to have that stuff in common, and it definitely makes you feel connected to this new other person, it's superficial. I was so into someone for a long time just because he knew as much, if not more, than I did about pop culture - in fact I was convinced (for a hot minute) that we were soul mates. So embarrassing now. I got every single one of his "Diff'rent Strokes" references (there were a LOT), and we would often text each other random trivia questions during the day. When it came down to it, the guy was a total douche and my infatuation with his interest in current minutiae really shouldn't have kept me hanging out with him as long as it did. It turned out that not only did we not have the same brain, but my heart was about 1000 times bigger than his. But we live and we learn - and this is why I am still very cautious about "liking" guys just because we have the same taste in sushi, alcoholic beverages, and reality TV.

That being said, it's one of the things I love the most about dating and the main driver in the novelty of a new relationship, and today, I experienced some of that with...wait for it...the Pro Arm Wrestler. I know that the last thing I posted about him was that he sent me a two word email that a caveman could have written (Sorry, Geico guys) after I sent him a thoughtful and personalized email, and I was annoyed. So when I responded, I suggested he send me an instant message or give me a call so that we could actually talk and not email endlessly.

He texted me this morning and while I think texting with people I don't know is kind of bizarre, I was busy today and it was a convenient way for us to have some preliminary banter before our first date - which there will definitely be, and here's why. I asked him something about his job and he said something along the lines of "I guess you didn't read the email I sent you." When I told him all I had gotten from him was the infamous "What up?" note, he sent (or resent) me a very lengthy, very well-written email that had answered all of my original questions and offered up even more information. He said he had sent it a few days before, but I had never received it for some reason...damn you, match.com! Anyway, I read it and was instantly charmed - he seemed nice, normal, genuine, and even funny. So we texted back and forth for a while, conversationally, and we have quite a few things in common - but, of course, it's all surface stuff. We both love 80s music, mint chocolate chip ice cream, and hate clubs as opposed to bars or lounges. But he is looking to settle down, and I am clearly not there yet - I mean, I am dating people for a blog, but I said I would have an open mind and I do. I am really excited to meet him and see if he's as cool in person as he is via texting and email.

But - and there's always a but - I am totally turned off by his constant (ab)use of terms of endearment. Every email ends with something about "sweetie," "cutie," "sexy," "baby," or some other word that it is completely crazy to use wth someone you haven't even met yet. While pet names are fine in moderation, I think that guys who use them so early in the game may be trying to force a sense of intimacy, and may be too eager to just get into a relationship. It's just something I've noticed about other guys I've dated, and so I am wary of this as a warning sign. I also think that these kinds of names are better in private, and that it's irritating when you stop saying the other person's name and instead call them some saccharine excuse for a nickname All. The. Time. Not to mention that this guy hasn't even laid eyes on me yet, and vice versa. What if we meet and the chemistry isn't there, or we aren't attracted to each other, or if he chews with his mouth open and I swear too much? Prior use of "baby doll" may be embarrassing for him at that point, and so, I think I might have to say something - I am an honest person, and I just can't keep cringing every time I see one of these ridiculous monikers and not tell him. I have to be upfront and that's what I'm going to do.

Once we start talking on the phone. Fucking internet dating.

An Answered Prayer?

I am both a grammar and spelling nerd. I spend more time than I care to admit either cringing at, or correcting, my friends' incorrect uses of your vs. you're. Do not even get me started on "their, they're and there." But this is who I am, and I am unashamed of my penchant for proper English.

So you can imagine my delight when I received an email from a guy on match.com who included in his own profile that he thinks that "proper grammar is sexy." I know this makes me a total loser...but I don't care.

This guy is nice-looking (judging from his couple of pictures), a few inches taller than me, a few years older than me, and seems intelligent, laid back, and funny. Could he be the lucky man to win the honor of being the first date I document on this blog? I emailed him back quickly and texted a girlfriend his Match "handle" so she could scope him out and give me her opinion. (No, I don't need approval from my friends about the guys I date - but a second pair of eyes is never a bad idea.)

In any case, I am anxiously awaiting my next email from Grammar Guy, and not just because I know everything will be spelled correctly!

Dear eHarmony...

Dear eHarmony,

I appreciate your efforts to hand pick the best matches for me, and I am beginning to (kind of) understand why people say that your services are better than match.com and so, worth the extra money for a subscription,

That being said, please oh please stop sending me matches with a 5:1 ratio of guys who are 5'7" or shorter. I am a tall person - and this was on the 800-question screening survey that you required I fill out, so I know you know - and I like to wear heels occasionally, so this will just not do.

I do not have anything against short men - in fact, I have been with a handful of them, and recognize that they work harder (in many ways) than guys who stand taller. However, I hate towering over people, and men who I am dating in particular. In addition, nothing screams "Internet Date in Progress!" to onlookers than a tall woman and a man who barely clears her breasts, and I would prefer that these dates be as inconspicuous as possible.

If you could please rectify this and begin sending me matches who are at least my height, I would be forever thankful.

Sincerely,
The Dater

Undissed

So it is Friday night and I am home in bed already. What did I do today that would leave me so exhausted? I recovered from a hangover, got a mani-pedi with one of my girlfriends, and then had some dinner with her and her boyfriend. I am now in PJs, with a copy of The Great Gatsby in my lap, and I am blogging. Hot stuff. But give me a break, I have a long day tomorrow.

So I was not dissed by the pro arm wrestler. I did receive an email back from him a little while ago that I was excited to read because I thought that I would hear, once and for all, if arm wrestling could, in fact, be professional. This is what it said:

"What up?"

He then signed it with an awkwardly familiar abbreviation of his first name, which I would not be comfortable using even if I were good friends with him. Can he read? I sent a three paragraph email with specific questions regarding his profile and pasttimes. Totally ignored so that he could write "What up?" So weird. Should I write back "Not much" and then sign it with an abbreviation of my own name in a bid to remain consistent? Not sure how to respond to this one.

I got another email this morning on match from a guy who is from eastern Pennsylvania. To be perfectly honest, that's a little bit too far for me, but he is also 4 years outside of my age range. I shouldn't be hung up on age, and I know this - but again, all I can think of is old saggy wrinkly balls. Yikes! On the eHarmony side, I have been communicating with a guy a few years younger who seems, truth be told, a little bit boring, and I am basing this solely on his lackluster profile and mundane answers to the multiple choice questions I've sent him so far.

I know I am only four days into this "project" but I am sincerely hoping that it gets a little spicier, and fast!

Oldies...

One of the major reasons that dating sucks in this day and age is the internet. I know I am writing this blog based almost entirely on internet dating, but hear me out.

Remember back in the day when we would think about a past boyfriend or girlfriend and wonder whatever happened to him or her...and then that would be it? We'd think about it and then move on with our days?

Now if you wonder what happened to someone you used to date/love/sleep with, in a matter of minutes you can see how they look, if they are married, where they are living and/or how many dogs/cats/kids they have. Thanks to the likes of Google, Facebook, myspace, and countless other social networking sites, a moment of pondering the fate of an ex turns into hours of cyberstalking and obsessing. Technology ruins lives - yeah, I said it.

When I think of the countless men I have looked up on the internet, strictly out of curiosity, I am almost embarrassed. Some of them were random one-nighters, and I only remembered their last names because I keep a list of everyone I sleep with. (Do NOT judge.) Some of them were crushes in high school - guys I may never even have spoken to because they were too grungy, or too gorgeous, or too smart. But the bulk of them are, of course, ex-boyfriends. Ex-boyfriends who may not have deserved to have held my hand, let alone be my boyfriend, or ex-boyfriends who I wished I had kept around.

It's like sick self-punishment that leads us to type these peoples' names into our search engines of choice. We are hopeful that the person in question will still be single, even if we ourselves are currently attached, but more times than not they have a new significant other, who we will inevitably spend painful amounts of time scrutinizing and comparing to ourselves. The new girl might have bigger boobs, but her face isn't as pretty as ours is. Or she has terrible taste in clothes. Or maybe, the worst case scenario, she is better educated, better looking, and has a much better job. Nothing good can come out of this kind of masochistic web browsing.

I recently found out (via the magic of Facebook) that a cruel ex-something or other, who was engaged 8 months after we split up and married a year after that is expecting a baby in what appears to be 2 or 3 months. While I have been over this person for quite a long time, and happily so, it still caused a dull pain in the pit of my stomach. I would have been better off not knowing, but I still don't regret that I have the information - it's like I have this need to find out all that I can.

On the flip side of that, someone I dated for three months more than four years ago recently looked me up on Facebook and started sending me instant messages. This person is now married (to a girl he met maybe two months after we stopped seeing each other) with two kids - why is he bothering with me? I will never understand this - is it just because he had the capability to look me up at his fingertips? What did we share that he believed we still had a reason to connect four years later? I just don't get it - and probably never will. I talked to him for a little while, remembering that we did used to have a good time together, but then realized that there was just no point. If he had been a more "meaningful" relationship in my life, then that would be one thing. But the bottom line is that considering we weren't even together one full season of the year, it was completely unethical. I was spending time talking to a married man with whom my only real connection was sex (and also, he made me watch The Big Lebowski, for which I am grateful, if only because I hear people referencing it almost daily). Stupid - so I deleted him as a friend on Facebook, and blocked his screen name.

What gets me is that this should have been a crystal clear hint - but like a total guy, he needed to know what the issue was...because guys can't accept it if you don't want anything to do with them. So he created a new screen name, and IMed me from that one....and I promptly blocked it as well.

I love the internet - I use it to read the news, to read about my favorite celebrities, to get movie times, to look up things I've never heard of, to communicate with loved ones, and now, to date! But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that it didn't exist so that I could wonder about whatever happened to someone and just leave it at that.

My First Diss?

So I haven't yet heard back from the pro arm wrestler, and it's been 24 hours since I emailed. Sounds like bad news. I haven't even considered, "Maybe he's busy" or "Maybe there was a family emergency" or "Maybe he had to work late and was too tired to email me when he got home." I read He's Just Not That Into You from cover to cover when it came out a few years back, and I follow it like the law. If he was interested he would have emailed me back - especially because, thanks to the features that are included in my "guaranteed" match subscription, I can tell that he has both read my email and logged into Match since I sent it. What changed since he called me "cutie" in his initial email? Who knows? Who cares? The best thing about online dating, in my opinion, is that I don't know any of these people from Adam and so I don't/won't/can't take it personally.

Also, I have a confession. I was thinking about using eharmony before I decided to go with match.com for this "project," but found the required questionnaire you have to fill out (mine took me longer than 30 minutes!) as well as the "guided communication" process to be tedious. Basically the way it works is that based on said questionnaire, they send you a few matches per day, and after you check out their pictures and what they have to say (but let's face it - mainly the pictures), you can decide either to "start communication" or "close the match." In order to start communication, you have to pick out 5 multiple choice form questions ("What would you prefer to do on a Saturday night?," "What is the best description of the way your last romantic relationship ended?," "What kind of a restaurant would you prefer to eat at?") and then send them over to the other person. If they are into you, they answer the questions and then select another five questions to send back to you. You do this a couple of times before you are "allowed" to email each other.

"Closing the match" basically means that you are, in essence, blocking the person from contacting you...ever. Seems harsh right? At the bottom of every profile, there is a little link that says "close match." Once you click on it, you are taken to a list of reasons for cutting your ties with the unfortunate person. They range from "the physical distance between us is to great" to "our religious perspectives do not match" to "I am pursuing another relationship (LIE!)" to the dreaded "other." There is no option for "I am not physically attracted to you" so I can only imagine that when someone selects "other," that's what they really mean.

So my confession is that after I signed up and everything, I decided not to subscribe - that shit is expensive, and I didn't like that I couldn't do my own searches for potential mates and was kind of held hostage by this "guided communication" system and I wasn't into it. However, I got an email last week that said that if I changed my mind and signed up, they would let me do three months for $20/monthly. It seemed like a deal and I am all about bargains - so I did it. As of this past Tuesday, I am so cool that I am signed up to not one, but two! internet dating systems. Excellent.

So far I have received three requests to communicate, and I have responded to all three, which I promised I would do. I haven't seen anyone who really pops my cork in terms of physical appearance or their personality, as shown through their profiles, but you never know. That's the whole point of this blog - you just never know!

Professional Arm Wrestling is a Real Thing?

So I got my first email on match from an Irish guy who kind of reminds me of the Notre Dame leprechaun, but in a good way. He is certainly handsome - and big. Not big fat, but big big. Like there's a picture of him from one of those Strongman competitions, and he's holding a huge metal pipe straight over his head. I wonder how he will feel about my lack of enthusiasm where the gym is concerned. He also cites professional arm wrestling as an interest/pasttime - and I am not sure if I emailed him back just to find out more about that!

It feels funny to be emailing someone I've never met before - I mean, I've done it before, but how much do you say or not say right off the bat? I found myself typing, and then deleting multiple sentences because nothing sounded like "me." I eventually settled with just asking him about the aforementioned professional arm wrestling, and noting a couple of key points from his (well-written!) profile that I liked. Is that lame?

I wanted to come clean right away and tell him that I had been laid off from my job a few months back, was going back to school and in the meantime would be living with my parents. But does that scare guys off the same way it does girls? Does it show a lack of ambition? I mean, I should think that the whole school thing would help to balance out the 30 and living at home issue, but you never know. This guy, while interested in some decidedly meathead activities, seems to be pretty well-educated and career minded. Will my confession that I have basically been on vacation all summer turn him off?

I guess we'll see. I will say that I like terms of endearment, but not right away, and the fact that he called me "cutie" in the initial email makes me a little bit uncomfortable. I know that's insane, but I am who I am and refrained from calling him anything in my response. I will keep you posted.

The Year of Yeah, Not so Much...

So in my last post I wrote about how I was going to just go out with anyone who asked me - because you never know who the person is. First impressions are very important, but what if the guy is having a bad day, or he just heard that an ex-girlfriend was getting married, or he is just socially awkward? I think I need to account for these things.

Cut to today: I am on my way into my part-time job at a local mall, and it's about 90 degrees out. I am required to wear all black in some format, and today I've chosen a skirt and a light top. It is NOT my sexiest outfit by far, but it is comfortable, lightweight, and fashionable so I am trying my hardest to rock it with some nice accessories and sexy make-up. I notice as I am walking into the mall that I am being checked out - scratch that, shamelessly eye-fucked - by a tall thin black man who is crossing my path. I take in his lanky frame, eyeglasses, and red and white striped shirt and immediately think to myself that if Waldo of "Where's Waldo?" fame was black, this guy would have been the inspiration.

As we are going into separate entrances, I assume that it was a harmless drive-by mind undressing and keep on walking, when I hear "Excuse me!" faintly behind me. I quicken my pacce and try to ignore it, thinking that if I can just get around Bebe, then I'll be OK. But oh no, this guy made every effort to catch up, calling "Excuse me, beautiful!!" The diva in me really wanted me to ignore this dude and keep walking, but the polite lady in me (yes, she's there) made me slow to an almost stop and half turn around. Waldo trotted over to me and said "Yo, beautiful, where you going to work looking so sexy? I want to come shop there...you so beautiful."

Now, the sentiment was nice - but something about the whole exchange just didn't sit well with me. Maybe it was the fact that after he said the above dialogue, he held his phone to his mouth and said "Yo, let me hit you back." What the hell? I don't even want my friends to see emails I write to boys I like, let alone hear me "in action." Or maybe it was his fucking WWW - Where's Waldo Wardrobe. Or maybe it was just that I didn't think he was attractive. Whatever...don't care.

The point is that I can't go out with everyone who asks me. I just can't. I have to set some rules - and then I swear, I will stick to them 100%.

Rule #1 - I will not go out with anyone who is outside of a reasonable age bracket. I have definitely been with younger guys before, but hooking up with a 19 year-0ld when you're 25 is a lot different than doing it when you're 30. And I've been with older guys as well, but when I think of anyone older than like 36, 37-ish, all I can think of is old, saggy, wrinkly balls. I am sorry - but it is true. So let's say that I will date guys who are 27-36.

Rule #2 - I will at least respond to everyone who emails me via match.com. Even if we don't hang out or date, at least I (kinda) gave them a chance.

Rule #3 - I will not respond to dudes who send me any kind of dirty messages. I love dirty talk, sexting, etc - but in the initial communication? You'd better be fucking hot to have that kind of nerve, but you'd be better off directing it towards girls who wear mini-skirts and no underwear or heavy liquid eyeliner.

Rule #4 - I will only go out with guys who I am physically attracted to. I can't be dating any guys who are not appealing to my eyes. Period.

With rules in place, I actually feel a little bit better about this endeavor. I can't go from being ridiculously picky to having absolutely no standards. Today was my first live day of this online dating scene and I cannot wait to see what I will have in my lap in the a.m!

"The Year of Yes"

I have to admit that part of the inspiration for this blog came from two things - the film Julie & Julia, and a book called "The Year of Yes" by Maria Dahvana Headley.

My parents have always encouraged me to develop the things that I am good at - and I think, to be honest, that the only honest-to-goodness God-given ability that I possess is writing. I love to write, have always loved it, and I think that I am pretty good at it. Do I think I am the best I could be? No, because I don't do it often enough. But when I do sit down and put pen to paper, or in the case of the last 7 or 8 years, fingers to keys, it is almost therapeutic. I purge feelings that I might typically keep bottled up through my writing, and sometimes I even come up with solutions to my own problems. So that brings me to blogging - it's like a live diary that you can share and receive feedback about, usually from strangers - and something about that is very appealing to me.
If you haven't seen Julie & Julia, it's essentially the true story of a woman who decided to cook her way through Julia Child's French cookbook and blog about it. 524 recipes, one year - and by the end of the year she felt like she had really accomplished something, and not to mention, learned how to cook. I loved the idea of a blog with a purpose - a project, and not just ramblings about what you did that day, what you ate, what shows you're watching. While I think blogs like that also have merit, I think one with a focus might be good for me.
"The Year of Yes" is a memoir of sorts that a girlfriend recommended I read because for a while, she seemed to be angry at me for being overly picky and not giving guys - guys who she thought were great but who I thought were ridiculous - enough of a chance before pitching them. The point of the book is that the writer wanted to find the love of her life, so she decided to date every single man who hit on her or asked her out for a year - cabbies, handymen, older guys, younger guys, whoever. While she did end up on some terrible dates, she also met the man she ended up marrying.

While I don't necessarily want to be in a relationship, I will admit that I am speaking as someone who has never truly been in love. I am not entirely closed off to the possibility that I may one day, or even through this process, meet an amazing guy who sweeps me off my feet and makes me question what I was thinking throughout my twenties. However, I believe this to be a slim possibility, but in the interest of keeping true to my new "project," I will do what Maria Dahvana Headley did, and go out with every man who asks me and then blog about it here. For one year.

God help me.

Dating Does Kinda Suck...

For as long as I can remember, I have been a serial dater. I love meeting new people and I love the nervous excitement of a new crush or fling. Everyone dresses nicely, they are on their best behavior and flirting (which is scientifically proven to boost your self-esteem) and of course, the free drinks and meals don't suck. (If you're a woman and you claim that you would prefer to go dutch or pay for the dude, you are a damn liar.) At first, dating is fun, and it's new and I am totally into it.

But after the first few dates is when dating starts to kinda suck. You and this other person enter this strange area where you need to decide if you're going to be in a relationship, or just stay "dating" and inevitably end up in a non-stop cycle of game playing, hooking up without commitment and all-around awkwardness. This area is the worst for someone like me. I am totally anti-games, and I almost NEVER want to cross over to the dark side - a relationship.

I hate relationships. Hate them with a passion. Everything they represent makes me cringe. I hate checking in with people, I hate them checking in with me, I hate jealousy, I hate worrying about someone other than myself simply because we are sleeping together - I hate it all, but I do love men, I do love sex, and I do love gossip. Even when it's about myself.

My twenties were full of totally ridiculous and random men, I think more than the average American woman. My love life became the hot topic of drinks and dinner with my girlfriends (who are almost ALL in serious relationships) because there was always something bizarre happening. If I wasn't dating a dude with some sort of complex, I was dating a guy with no manners, or a huge penis and no "moves", or some sort of strange fetish. While I have attempted to blog some of these experiences before, I've never been entirely consistent, and worse, I've always had to censor myself for fear that a colleague, ex-boyfriend, or family member would see something that they shouldn't. So I have decided to document my every dating move for one year, and see what happens.

I've recently moved, and in order to create some additional footfall in my romantic life - strictly for the purpose of this blog - I have subscribed to Match.com for six months. They promise that if you don't find a match within those six months, they'll give you an additional six months free of charge. (Never mind that if their service doesn't work, I'd rather get my money back than another half year of a waste of time, free or not.) This, of course, comes with a few caveats - your profile has to be visible for the entire six months and you have to send or respond to at least 5 unique emails per month. The second part seems easy enough, but let's say that after one month you meet a guy who you think is really great and after hanging out for a few weeks, you decide to make him your boyfriend, and in turn, you "hide" your dating profile. If within a couple of weeks you find out that he 1) has not hidden his own profile, 2) is seeing multiple women, or 3) he is in actuality a complete and total douchebag, and you "unhide" your profile so you can keep looking for a nice guy, you've lost the chance to get your additional six months for free. So really, you only get the "bonus" months if you don't meet anyone - at all. Ugly people rejoice! (Kidding.)

So I'm going to give it a try. The worst that can happen is I waste $120 (and anyway, that basically is what happens every time I go out in NYC or walk into the M.A.C. store). The best case is that I meet some nice guys, go on some fun dates, and possibly even get laid so I can stop being a sex camel - see www.urbandictionary.com. I am NOT looking for Mr. Right or for someone to "settle down with" - that would be completely against every fiber of my being (at least at this point in my life) and I cannot stress enough that this is an experiment/documentation of a year in the dating life of a freshly-turned-30 year-old woman with bigger goals than just wearing a white dress and having a garter publicly removed from her leg. I haven't been fully ensconced in the dating "scene" in a long time for a number of reasons, and I'm anxious to get back in the game - if not for my own wellbeing, than at least for entertainment's sake.

Stay tuned...