An Oldie...

So I had this boyfriend...it was a quick little relationship, and then it was over.

I may have written about it on here before, not really sure. Regardless, it was probably in all honesty the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. He was very sweet and gentlemanly, gave me the space I needed, never let me pay, and told me how he felt about me. There were things missing from the relationship for sure - we didn't really have that much in common, and we didn't laugh together all that much (which to me is the most important piece of a relationship), but I enjoyed spending time with him.

It ended because I thought he was dating other girls behind my back - I caught him on a dating website and assumed the worst. While I tried to decide how to handle it - this was over the course of a few days - I told him a little white lie about what I'd be doing one night when I thought he was trying to be with this fictional "other woman" and I got caught. We had a huge fight where I brought up the dating website, I kicked him out of my house, and he mailed my belongings to my job.

I have never, in the last almost ten months, felt like he was the "one who got away" or like I should be with him and it was all a misunderstanding, or anything like that, but on more than one occasion I have missed his companionship. When I lost my job in March, I wished that I had had him to talk to, and I even attempted to get in contact with him a couple of times before he reached out to me about two months ago.

He apologized for how he acted, he told me that he felt responsible and that he was wrong about everything, and that he believed I was a genuine person and wanted me to be in his life again. We gradually started speaking every so often through texts and emails, and now we talk on the phone every other day.

Ironically, we have more to talk about now than we did while we were dating, and at the end of the day, he might just need or want someone to talk to. I have been so stressed with school and work lately, that it's nice to have him to talk to at night, or to get a text from him during the day. I can't even say if it's romantic...I don't think that it is because truthfully I never really felt proverbial fireworks with him.

Ten months ago I had a job I loved, an awesome apartment, money to spend, and I was (almost) completely independent. Now I am living with my parents (albeit temporarily), I work part-time at a job I somewhat care about, go to school and feel like I will never have money again. I am turning my car, which I love, back in to the dealer in January, and I will get a hand-me-down shitbox that my younger brothers both had. But it will be free.

So maybe this old boyfriend is what feels like the last piece of my old life. He feels like something that connects me to who I used to be, and what I used to have. I'm not a person who is hung up on material things, but I miss that old life, and I can't wait to get out of this limbo and back into a new life, and maybe he just came back at the perfect time.

He invited me to visit him for New Years Eve...but I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. I still have nine months left of this "project" and I am doing a shitty job so far...

PS I quit eHarmony. Booooooo-ring!

No Chemistry...

I got an email from a really cute guy a few weeks ago - an elementary school teacher who had written a children's book and lived not far from me. I sent him my phone number and we had an average conversation - not particularly funny, or really even fun. Just average.

That being said, we texted and emailed for about a week, usually with him texting me first in the morning and then us continuing to text until around dinnertime, and then he just kind of faded away.

I guess when you don't have chemistry, you just don't.

Ugh...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Hmmm...

I got an email on Snoozeharmony this weekend from a guy who is currently unemployed and living at home with his parents. Now I don't want to be a judgy judgerson, since I have been in the same boat since March...but I wouldn't email that to anyone in the initial message.

But here's what is really the most strange to me - he divulged that he was fired in May. Fired not laid off. He also said that he spends his days relaxing. Not looking for work, relaxing. Also, he lives at home with his parents because he can't see spending money on rent when it's almost the same as a mortgage. I know a lot of people share those feelings about rent being equivalent to throwing money away. And I am also living at home with my mom and dad while I go to school. But I would live in an apartment, a rented apartment, in a heartbeat if I could swing it without having a full time job. Where is his sense of independence? That's a red flag if I've ever seen one - but I seem to be ignoring them left and right anyway. What's another one?

Oh and did I mention that the second to last sentence of his email, right before "hope to hear from you soon," was "I also used to make fragrances."

What the hell?

Are You Effing Kidding Me?

This project is exhausting me. Literally...exhausting me.

I just don't have the energy to try and figure out what people are thinking or why they do the things they do. And I haven't even been on a fucking date yet!

I love love love the expression, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I guess it's a little bit cynical because it's basically saying that if I am trusting enough to give a second chance, I'm an idiot. It certainly doesn't advocate forgiveness, which I think is a very important thing to be in life, but as I usually only use this expression as it applies to dating, who the fuck cares?

I gave Chincredible - Brian Kelly of West Orange - a second chance. OK scratch that - it was more like a fourth chance. He bailed on me twice because of his "leg injury" and on another occasion insulted me and made me feel like a whore. But when he emailed me two Friday nights ago at 3:30 am to apologize for his behavior, and asked me to please call him, my interest was piqued. I did not call him as he requested, but I did answer when he called me on Saturday night. I had had a few drinks and I was curious as to what he had to say. He apologized profusely for being a douche and said that it was out of character for him, as well as classless. He also told me that he really liked me, thought I was a nice girl, and really hoped he hadn't screwed things up with me. I told him that I had liked him too, and I was willing to try and have a drink or dinner with him, but if he bailed on me or offended me again, that would be it. I would never talk to him again. He said he didn't blame me, and we started to text and email during the week.

He asked me if I wanted to hang out the following Saturday (that would be this past Saturday) and I agreed. He chose a BYO Mexican restaurant and once again on the Friday night before, he told me that he couldn't wait to meet me and that he knew we would hit it off. Next morning, I texted him, asked him if he wanted to go out at 7pm to which he responded "Nah." I then asked if 7pm was too early and he said "Nah." So I asked if he didn't want to go out at all and he said nothing for almost two hours. I texted him again and asked what had changed from the night before and why did he keep doing this and...nothing. So I called him, and he sent me right to voice mail. No clue what happened, what he is thinking, what his game is - and I don't care. He is crazy obviously, and it's better that I found out now. My friends made me promise that I would never talk to him again, no matter what, because who the hell knows what kind of mental issues he has. And they are right - he was messing with me...and that's that.

Now this other guy I wrote about in my last post, who my friend "winked" at when she hijacked my match account because she thought I would like him - I have been texting a little bit with him on and off. He sent me a text two Friday nights ago to ask what I was doing that night and I said I was home bundled in sweats on the couch because I was sick. He replied that he wishes he was doing that also - he is "a great cuddler." I gagged a little bit when I wrote that. Why do guys do that? Why do they send overly familiar text messages and emails when they don't even know you? At that point we had never even spoken on the phone for longer than a second - what the fuck??

I ignored that and kind of blew off his texts for the rest of the week. I did text him back over the weekend (after Brian/Chincredible dissed me for no reason - hey, I was rebounding) and we made plans to go out for dinner tomorrow night. Keep in mind - still haven't spoken on the phone. But the latest development here is that Sunday night he was drinking and watching football all day - he texted me kind of early in the day (I was at an actual game all day, drinking as well) and said that he would call me later that night so we could discuss our date and get a little familiar with each other before meeting. I was all for that because I cannot imagine meeting a guy who I've never spoken to. What if we had nothing in common? We had only emailed once or twice before exchanging numbers and so I really have no read on him.

Well that night, he texted me at about 11pm to tell me that he wanted to call but didn't want me to hear him slurring. I asked how bad it could possibly be and he said that he had been drinking for 8 straight hours so he could only imagine. Then he sent me another text saying "I do start to get a little naughty when I've been drinking." Again - What the fuck? I don't know you, I've never spoken to you, and I met you online. Am I leaping to talk dirty to someone like this without even laying eyes on his face? No. Why not? Because I'm not desperate/outrageously horny/ridiculous. I raised my eyebrows, chalked it up to his drinking, and said that it would probably be better for us to talk the next day in that case. He agreed.

So yesterday was the day we were supposed to talk, and he texted me at around 6 to tell me he'd be home at 930pm. I told him to give me a call when he was settled. He never called. Ooook. So again, I don't want to go out with someone I have never met without at least one phone conversation. So today I called him - and he picked up and hung up! Hung up on me! On me!!

Again - WHAT THE FUCK???

I cannot believe the level of ridiculousness that I am encountering at every turn. Like I said, this is exhausting. I thought that by this point - a month and a half later, give or take a few days, that I would have at least gone on one date. But I can't seem to meet one normal person!

What do I do? Keep plugging away? Throw in the towel? This is why I hate dating - I can't be bothered with what other people are doing/thinking/feeling...and it's all I've been doing!

I need a gaycation.

So Disgusting

So I have to apologize for being absent for more than a week - I started school this week and I have been so busy with homework, work, and trying to sleep in between that I've literally had no time to do anything for myself. I actually think that I am sick now.

I owe everyone an update. Chincredible is officially out of the picture - just as recently as 20 minutes ago. Basically where we left off is that he broke our date to go to Ruth's Chris last Friday and I was just kind of leaving it alone to see what would happen next. He texted me the next morning, full of apologies, and I kind of shrugged it off, chalking it up to him not feeling like himself what with the bum knees and painkillers. I did tell him that I wasn't in a rush to meet up with him but that when we did we should stick to quick drinks - he agreed, but then the next day suggested we go to Panera for lunch on Labor Day. Now I am not a snob, and I don't think I am above Panera (that shit is delicious) but I just think that when someone wants to take you out to dinner and then breaks that date and offers to take you to get a Pick Two instead, something just doesn't compute.

With that in mind, I continued to text with him, and was pleased when he called me at 8am the morning my first day of school this past Tuesday, just to wish me luck. We have spoken on the phone every night for the last week and a half, and I was genuinely excited to meet him...finally! I have to say that it's been strange to talk to someone I have never even laid eyes on but felt like I was really getting to know. I was sharing more than I would with someone I met in person and then started dating, and I was definitely letting my guard down. I even went so far as to tell my friend (who wants me to be in a relationship more than anything) that I was really into him, thought he was awesome, and was annoyed that we hadn't met in the first week we were talking as originally planned. If we had met two weeks ago, when we were supposed to, I would have been much cooler about the whole thing, more distant and aloof, and wouldn't be in the position I am now where I am totally hurt and disappointed.

We made plans to meet up tonight - and unbeknownst to him, this was to be his last shot with me. I don't usually adhere to the "three strikes, you're out" rule, but in a situation like this, where I don't even know this person and he's already disappointing me before we are even dating, I think it's totally called for. I texted him this morning, not uncommon for us to do, to say good morning. I didn't receive a text back right away - which is the norm. I wouldn't usually care, or even really notice, but that's exactly what happened last week - I strangely didn't hear anything from him all day, and then at 4:30 he texted me to bail. So I called him about four hours after I sent this morning's text and left a message asking when he wanted to meet. He texted me two hours later to ask me if he should get a room for us. A hotel room.

I wrote back that I hoped he was kidding but something in the back of my mind told me that he definitely wasn't. I got a text back almost immediately saying "Come on - we can get drunk and fuck around." Now I am not an angel, and I am SO not a prude, but there is no reason that he should have texted me something like that. None at all. The conversation we had last night right before we went to bed was about where we should go and how we were both nervously excited about meeting up. So what changed in less than 24 hours? I engaged in a little bit of texting with him after that, basically telling him that I was disappointed and hurt, that he had made me feel like a total whore, and that I thought that he had thought more of me than that, to which he responded "Who cares, we are adults."

I stared at the text for a minute, and then back at the texts he has been sending me all week, telling me that he thought I was beautiful, that he thought I was the funniest woman he had ever met, and that he couldn't wait to meet me, and I deleted all of it. I deleted all his texts, all his emails, and all his contact information. I deleted him off of facebook, and I decided right then and there that I am not doing this again - it's stupid to let yourself get emotionally involved with someone you meet via an internet dating site. You should feel someone out a bit, screen them a touch to make sure they aren't crazy, and then meet as soon as possible. You'll know if the person is someone you could see yourself spending more time with or dating right away, and you aren't putting yourself at risk to get hurt. The way I was.

And I'm a jerk - I've been ignoring the other guys who have been sending me emails and communication requests and investing the majority of my time into Brian Kelly*, and totally ignoring the whole purpose of this blog. It's to meet as many people as possible. I've been sending half hearted emails, texts and haven't been returning phone calls - all because I was into this idiot. But with every endeavor, you'll have a stumble or two at the beginning, and this was mine.

I actually have plans today to call this guy from Match who one of my friends communicated with before I even saw him - by hijacking my account. She called me and told me about him and said that he seemed like someone I would like. (Is it bad that when we talked over Instant Messenger and he asked what had made me wink at him, I told him that it was my friend and not me? He seemed OK with it but who the hell knows?) I don't have a nickname for him yet - but I promise I will.

*Yep, that's his name. Chincredible = Brian Kelly. From West Orange. I made a commitment to myself when I started this that I would change names to protect the innocent and not change names to expose the douchebags - and I think we can all agree that Brian Kelly has exposed himself. Although probably not the way he wanted to. :)

When A Man You've Never Met Breaks Plans Twice, You Say "NEXT"

OK so my big date at Ruth's Chris tonight is not happening. I actually expected this - because I always expect the worst case scenario.

Since last week, Chincredible has either texted or emailed me at some point during the day, every day, and usually we will talk on the phone at some point after he gets out of work at 3pm. We are usually just bullshitting, or if we speak on the phone he regales me with some stories from when he worked in a jail (did I ever mention that he used to be a cop?). He really seems like a nice normal funny guy - if a little bit affected by the area we live in.

Now, I don't know if I mentioned this either, but he is currently on crutches due to a knee injury he gave himself while on a mini-vacation with friends and needs to have surgery in the next couple of weeks. So we were supposed to go out this past Saturday night, but he texted me in the morning to tell me that his leg was really bothering him and that he wanted to take me out another night. I was fine with it because it was really shitty out - rainy and humid, and I have curly hair that takes an hour to blow out, and then about two seconds to get frizzy in wet weather. Plus no one wants to get all dressed up when it's gross like that. So we agreed that we would do something this weekend - and that something turned out to be Ruth's Chris. So the reservations were for 7:15 tonight, and yesterday he told me more than once that he couldn't wait to meet me in person, that he really felt like we were going to connect, and even went so far as to tell me that he looked at my pictures online again and thought I was "just so pretty - great facial features." Totally weird but a little flattering.

So imagine my surprise when I didn't hear a single thing from him all day today - it's not that I expect guys to check in with me - I actually don't like it, but when it's kind of become the norm, you notice when it's different. Am I right? I texted him at around 3, checking to see if his knee was feeling OK for tonight, and about an hour and a half later I got a text back asking if I'd be very angry with him if we rescheduled, because he was in a lot of pain and would not make a good first impression. He TEXTED. Not called. I hate that, and I hate even more that he broke plans with me twice, the day of. I think I am an understanding person, but jesus. Twice in the same week? For the same thing?

I am leaving it alone for now - I am not going to text him or call him. I'll let him make new plans if he wants to. But I'm not angry - I like situations like this because it lets you see how a person really is. A guy who texts to break plans? That's kind of lame. And also, I know that he is very drugged up on sleeping and pain meds this week - to the point where he won't remember a phone conversation we had the next day. Granted, he has a pretty serious injury, but he is able to function and go to work every day...does he need all the medicine? And lastly, who knows if he maybe has some kind of social anxiety that makes it hard for him to meet girls - and maybe he asked me to go out to an expensive restaurant with no plans of following through! Maybe he thought I'd be impressed if he "was going to" take me to Ruth's Chris, and then figured if he cancelled, it would be the thought that counts (he figured wrong).

Regardless I am focusing on some new guys - one a friend picked out for me (I totally gave her my match log in information and let her go to town) who emailed me yesterday, and another one who I checked out more than a few times before "winking" at him. He finally winked back, so I shot him an email and I guess we will see what happens!

Seriously - fucking internet dating.

And can I just say that eHarmony is a total snooze??

Ay Papi!

If you know me, you probably know that I am 50% Latina. I talk about this quite a bit, and admittedly it's semi-obnoxious. I do enjoy my Hispanic roots, and I feel the most connected to them, probably because they dominate my physical appearance. This isn't to say that I am not proud of my paternal European heritage - I just don't feel like I am as related to all the "white people" on that side of my family. Totally ridiculous, totally true.

But while I am deeply passionate about my family and the Hispanic culture, I cannot stand Latin men - in a dating capacity, anyway. I am aware that this is racism in a somewhat strange form, but nevertheless - it is what it is. I am not sure why I dislike dating men of my race so much, but I suspect that it has something to do with the way I grew up.

My mother is a beautiful - I mean truly stunning - 55 year old woman who is 100% Hispanic but also very "white" - she looks like she could be Italian or some other European race, she has no accent despite speaking fluent Spanish since she was a baby, and she likes "white" things like Suze Orman and Pilates. She was born and raised in Spanish Harlem, without much of anything, and she married my dad, a Hungarian/Italian/Austrian guy from Queens. When they were dating, they would walk down the street and be subjected to Latin men yelling at them, asking what she was doing with the "gringo," and since she was so gorgeous (even more so at 20 than now), they said nasty things to my dad. After they were married and living in the suburbs, visiting my grandmother in the old neighborhood was fun for me, but not so much for my mom. She was scared about parking the car on the street, nervous while climbing the four dimly lit flights of stairs to my grandma's apartment, and she kept her head down as she passed the derelicts who sat slumped in doorways, waiting for her to walk by so that they could leer at her or shout filthy things in slurred Spanish. I remember her grip on my hand growing tighter as she would sharply tell me to look down and not make eye contact with them. I don't know for sure that this is why I have an aversion to Hispanic men, but it's the only explanation I can come up with, especially considering that I grew up in a very liberal and open-minded household.

So what is the point of this poor attempt at self-analysis? I got an email on match from a guy whose handle included both "big" and "papi" - and he essentially personifies exactly what I mean when I say I am not into Hispanic men. He looks kind of thuggish, right down to the chin strap facial hair, and that's just not my scene. But maybe I should give a Hispanic guy a try - I mean, how bad could it be? I bet his mom cooks a mean arroz con pollo, and he might be a good dancer - a quality that is usually sadly missing from the white guys I prefer to spend time with.

Should I just go for it??

When a Guy Wants to Take You to Ruth's Chris, You Say YES!

***The suitor formerly known as "Pro Arm Wrestler" will now be referred to as "Chincredible" for both his physical resemblance to the dad from the movie "The Incredibles" and his insane Irish chin.

Internet dates are a funny thing. You meet someone via the computer, and for however long you are emailing, texting, and speaking on the telephone only. Then the date comes and you are first sizing up each other physically (obviously) - and if that's all cool, you are then seeing if there is chemistry between you. Usually the date is a few drinks, which is both casual and confidence-building, and then when it ends, you decide whether or not you want to keep in contact with this person. Now I have been on a couple different kinds of match dates - there is the match date where there is NO chemistry whatsoever and it's a wash. There's the one where one person likes the other more - always fun. There's the one where there is far too much chemistry, too much booze, and not enough space in between your bodies - always always a mistake! And then there is the nice date where you both walk away thinking that you'd like to see each other again.

But never ever have I been on a match date where we have planned in advance to get dinner and drinks at Ruth's Chris, and to be frank, I am fine with that for a number of reasons. First of all, I like getting dressed up but on a first date I don't want to put in so much effort that I look ridiculously "done." I like wearing heels, and I like wearing dresses and skirts, but on a first BLIND date, I want to be casual and comfortable - jeans, low heels or flats, a casual sexy top, light makeup. Secondly, what if the date is a total bomb?? I will be stuck on this long-ass, fancyish formalish dinner with a dude I don't like. Finally, there is the belief that if a guy is shelling out big bucks for dinner and wine, that he is going to expect some tongue. I don't mind kissing on the first date, but I don't want to feel like the expectation, or worse - obligation, is there.

Chincredible asked me to go to Ruth's Chris this Friday night and I seriously debated about it. I reached out to a close girlfriend about his offer and she basically told me that I was an idiot to feel the way I do and that "when a guy wants to take you to Ruth's Chris, you say YES!" So I took her advice and it is on. I am excited, because I do feel myself starting to like this guy (don't get ahead of yourselves - while he is hilarious and sweet, he has some douche-y tendencies) but I am guarded as always. I can't be wooed with filet mignon and pinot noir.

Details to follow......

I'm a Gemini - We're Supposed to Multitask!

So I took a night to think about the multitasking (and also about the anonymous reader who suggested that I communicate with no less than 4 but no more than 7 guys at once - 7!!) and feel a bit more prepared to really dive in. I got onto eharmony and sent my 2nd and final round of questions to the guy who was pleasant but kind of blah - it's the last step before we start emailing on our own - like big boys and girls! I also sent emails to two seemingly normal and interesting guys who "winked" at me on match and said "No Thanks" (what a convenient little button!) to three guys who 1) were outside of my chosen age range by 8 years, 2) were outside of my dating range by 25 miles, and 3) had a bunch of pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend (it was obvious it wasn't his sister, before you suggest it). If my ex-boyfriend included a bunch of photos of me on his dating profile, I'd probably give him a swift kick in the babymaker.

So if all of these people write back to me, and if Grammar Guy stops sucking, I will be communicating with 5 guys at once. I think that's a little more like what I am supposed to be doing here. But I have to say, I'm getting a little bit stressed out. What if...just what if...I hit it off with someone and I am totally swept off my feet? What would I do? Would I tell the other guys to hit the road? Would I tell the man of my current dreams that we met because I was doing an "experiment?" Would I hide my match profile while we were dating, and therefore automatically lose the chance to get the extra 6 months free, or would I keep dating other people to maintain the integrity of this blog, and be dangerously close to wandering into "cheating" territory? Yes, I know I am getting ahead of myself, but I have to think about these things so I can have a plan of action should the time come. Any suggestions?

In other news, I finally did tell Pro Arm Wrestler that I was uncomfortable with his affection for affectionate nicknames, and he was totally cool with it. He even said that it's made him uncomfortable when women do it to him - so that's a relief. If I got one more text with "sweetie" or "sexy" in it, when he really has no idea if I'm sweet (kind of) or sexy (um, obviously), I was going to scream, and the non-stop cringing was starting to give me wrinkles. He asked me to have drinks this coming Sunday night, but unfortunately I have to work. It's a bummer too - Sundays are the best nights for blind dates. Since most people have to work the next day, no one gets hammered schmammered, and in turn the chances of a drunken first date hookup which will then ruin any chance of a real relationship forming are exponentially slimmer than if you went out on a Friday, Saturday, or even a Thursday. On the flip side, if your date does get hammered schmammered despite having to work the next day and tries to have sex to you, then congratulations, friend - you've just weeded out a loser.

Updates on the new guys to come as soon as I have something to share!

Grammar Guy is Kind of Boring

I feel mean saying this, but Grammar Guy is kind of boring. One of my girlfriends said "Well, he likes proper grammar..." but I also like proper grammar, and I don't think that I'm boring. OK so maybe I don't like it like it, but I am definitely into it.

I have given him a couple of opportunities to talk - we IMed for a little while on Monday, and it was certainly pleasant, but I don't know that there was really a connection. I mean, granted, not everyone can "connect" while speaking via an electronic medium, but I was expecting at least a little bit of "same brain" to happen. It didn't. Then yesterday I shot him another IM. What a damn drag. It was the most boring conversation, and we didn't even say goodbye to each other. Where is the witty guy who sent me a charming email this past Sunday? I'd love to know what the eff happened to the Original Grammar Guy because I liked him.

So I am going to give it a few more tries - I think the funny guy has to be in there, and I want to make it my mission to pull him out of there. I feel like I've been giving an awful lot of attention to the Pro Arm Wrestler (who may need a new nickname because we haven't really spoken about it at all), and that's probably just because he's easy to talk to and we have a lot in common. This project is about expanding my horizons, about breaking my past cycles of dating the same guys over and over, and here I am back in the same pattern. I need to be fair to the multiples.

Truth be told, I've kind of been neglecting other people who have been emailing me and sending winks - I don't think I'm all that good at multitasking, but I said I would at least respond to everyone. I need to get refocused, and not be scared to communicate with more than just one or two people at once. I can do this.